Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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