Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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