Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
