you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
