oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
