New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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