There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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