Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
