...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
