They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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