Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
