Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
