You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
