I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
