my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
