1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
