You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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