I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
