If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize