you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
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Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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