So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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