That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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