He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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