So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
