i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
