apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
