my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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