just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
