my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
