New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
