Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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