20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
