Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
