he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
