yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
