if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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