my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
