I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
