Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
