If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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