If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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