I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
