I feel great
I just peed on a car
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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