I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
