I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
