those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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