so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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