I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
