If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
