i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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