It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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