Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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