I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
