Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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