There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
