Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
