Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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