i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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