I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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