oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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