i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
