u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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